Memory Alpha


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October 13, 2009
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I was a former member of Memory Alpha. When my Asperger's Syndrome became progressively worse, I became a recluse in my mother's house. I came to this site in a futile effort at relieving the psychological and physiological pain. Instead of finding relief, I discovered that my own internal demons, my inability to communicate with others, and my incomprehension of the guidelines and policies created tension within the community. I requested that I be permanently blocked. 31dot left open the talk page for me to use, and this talk page is where I will place my final words on this site. Goodbye and good wishes to everyone on this wiki.Throwback (talk) 22:21, August 18, 2014 (UTC)

Asperger's Syndrome & Permanent Ban Edit

I am requesting a permanent ban.

I have Asperger Syndrome's. In the real world, when I am working with neurotypicals (the term given to those who aren't on the autistic spectrum), I can work out the communication difficulties that naturally arose. In the world of the Internet, there is no possibility of this happening. Most neurotypicals don't understand why people like me can't seem to follow the rules and why we have difficulty in understanding the motives and intentions of others. The issues I had with others on this site will exist in the future. My experience with other users over the past month has shown for me, at the least, they don't understand my condition and either become frustrated or impatient with me. My mother told me that when I was a child that psychologists were frustrated and impatient with me because they didn't understand what was wrong. A user had said on this website that, Its more about how you course correct (or don't). (User talk:Capricorn) For me, this is like saying become more like a neurotypical, or become more white if you are black. Like blacks, I was born with this condition. Like them, I can no more change who I am even I wanted to. I have lived this way since I was born. Like them, there is ignorance about what it means to be me and what it is like to live in a society where you are a minority. It's an insurmountable challenge, which only a few have the openness and courage to attempt. I believe that it is not the function of Memory Alpha to become an experiment in changing social attitudes to the non-neurotypicals.

A lack of demonstrated empathy has a significant impact on aspects of communal living for persons with Asperger syndrome.[2] Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others (for example, showing others objects of interest), a lack of social or emotional reciprocity (social "games" give-and-take mechanic), and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture.[1] Individuals with Aspergers also have an impaired theory of mind which makes it difficult to understand the thoughts, feelings, and intentions of other people and how that relates to oneself. They have a hard time picking up on unwritten social rules involuntarily that neurotypicals would perceive as obvious. [28]

People with AS may not be as withdrawn around others compared to those with other, more debilitating forms of autism; they approach others, even if awkwardly. For example, a person with AS may engage in a one-sided, long-winded speech about a favorite topic, while misunderstanding or not recognizing the listener's feelings or reactions, such as a wish to change the topic of talk or end the interaction.[9] This social awkwardness has been called "active but odd".[1] This failure to react appropriately to social interaction may appear as disregard for other people's feelings, and may come across as insensitive.[9] However, not all individuals with AS will approach others. Some of them may even display selective mutism, speaking not at all to most people and excessively to specific people. Some may choose only to talk to people they like.[29]

The cognitive ability of children with AS often allows them to articulate social norms in a laboratory context,[1] where they may be able to show a theoretical understanding of other people's emotions; however, they typically have difficulty acting on this knowledge in fluid, real-life situations.[9] People with AS may analyze and distill their observations of social interaction into rigid behavioral guidelines, and apply these rules in awkward ways, such as forced eye contact, resulting in a demeanor that appears rigid or socially naive. Childhood desire for companionship can become numbed through a history of failed social encounters.[1]

The hypothesis that individuals with AS are predisposed to violent or criminal behavior has been investigated, but is not supported by data.[1][30] More evidence suggests children with AS are victims rather than victimizers.[31] A 2008 review found that an overwhelming number of reported violent criminals with AS had coexisting psychiatric disorders such as schizoaffective disorder.[32] [1]

Throwback (talk) 01:47, August 20, 2014 (UTC)

You are permanently blocked on MA, per your request, though we're leaving your talk page editable to you just in case you change your mind and want to request that the block be lifted on a trial basis. You've done good work here, and could again as far as I'm concerned. That said, you can choose to "deactivated" your account on the entire wikia network using these steps. After 30 days though, that can never be reversed. - Archduk3 04:35, August 20, 2014 (UTC)

Jorg said the same thing. I appreciate that both you and he recognize that I have done some good on this site. I have read Asperger Syndrome was not easily defined and was, by consequence, a difficult and complicated subject of study for psychological and neuro-psychnological specialists. For the layperson, I have experienced both ignorance and/or misunderstanding. My communication issues with other users in the past month had I think demonstrated this very clearly, time and again. One user went so far as to declare that Memory Alpha was not a 'mental disability support group". (See Romulus talk page.) This was after I had informed the individual of my condition. This was not the first time where I have been in a community or a group and communication has been an overriding issue. In such instances, I had voluntarity withdrawn from the community. In one extreme instance, I was told that I was persona non gratis. If there was to be a going-forward, I would need more guidance on the written and unwritten rules. For you, what was obvious, was not obvious to me. So, instead of responding to me as you would to a neurotypical person (a person who was not on the autistic spectrum), I would had to ask that you and the other administrators take on the role of a teacher. That was a lot to be asked of anyone; being a teacher was not an easy job - it's doubly so with an autistic person.

Since the last time I requested a block, way back in 2012, there had been tremendous advancement in the study of autistic people. That was why I am able now to identify what has been happening. I can see clearly, to when I was four years old, that I been this way for almost my entire life. I will be speaking with my psychologist next week. I have been sending copies of the discussions I had with the other users and the administrators to his e-mail account. I respect his opinion greatly. He was and is both my therapist and my friend. I have known him since I was a teenanger, when the first major symptoms of this condition began appearing, and I returned to him this year because I believed that he knew and cared for me. He has demonstrated this time and again. We will be discussing what happened here.Throwback (talk) 10:41, August 20, 2014 (UTC) edited again by Throwback (talk) 11:09, August 20, 2014 (UTC)

I'm speaking for myself here, not for all of MA or even all of the admins. While MA is not a "mental disability support group" (extremely poor choice of words, btw), we do (or at least should) practice tolerance for those different than us. We strive to be inclusive, not exclusive. None of us are without fault; we all occasionally exhibit behaviors at various times that that are found in the DSM, such as OCD, ADHD, and many others. It's just a matter of degree in many cases. My stepdaughter has AS, and so I understand first hand the difficulties that NTs experience in dealing with those with AS (and vice versa). There are times when we need to separate ourselves and just... cool down. And she is one that was undiagnosed until her teens... everyone just thought she was "quirky" (or in less charitable terms, odd, or weird). But I believe you're incorrect in saying you can't change. Many of the social traits lacking in individuals with AS can be learned, even if they don't come naturally. My stepdaughter, working with both us (her parents) and social workers assigned to help her, has learned to recognize verbal and non-verbal cues in real-life situations. She's learned how to hold a conversation without monopolizing it. She's learned to not take everything literally, and to be much more flexible in her day to day life and her dealings with others. She's learned to drive, got her license, rented an apartment and lives on her own, has a job and earns her own money, pays her own bills, and has a social life. She still struggles with her AS, some days more than others, but she's made real progress over the years (sometimes we need to remind her of this). My point here is, don't assume you can't learn to fit into a NT society; it's just a lot more work for you to do so than for most of the rest of us. And to address one other point you made: part of our job, as admins, *is* to act as teachers of sorts. We often guide newcomers in the proper way of doing things on MA, and correct mistakes made by those unfamiliar with the rules and regulations here (and not just newcomers... Sulfur and others have corrected one or two [read many] of my mistakes over the years as well). You just have the disadvantage of having difficulty seeing or understanding some of the subtleties in the rules - most things aren't black or white, but AS individuals have difficulty in seeing the shades of grey. Anyway, please don't feel your contributions haven't been noticed or appreciated... they have. -- Renegade54 (talk) 17:33, August 20, 2014 (UTC)

I think seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist and being open with others is a sign that I want to change. I would like very much to change. Change is coming harder for me, because of my age. I am 42 years old, and I wasn't diangosed with Asperger Syndrome until I was 40. I think what I was attempting to communicate, which didn't come off as I would liked, is that I was born as an autistic person and I can't change this fact. I know that people with Asperger Syndrome can become better with behavior modificaiton. I think that some of the people on this website - Archduk3, Capricorn, 31dot, and you - have been accepting of who I am. Honestly, I didn't expect this much attention and I have appreciated the comments left on my talkpage. Throwback (talk) 21:10, August 20, 2014 (UTC)

I hadn't thought of social workers as a resource. Thank you Renegade54 for illustrating how they helped your stepdaughter. Maybe they can me, too? Any help would be welcomed.Throwback (talk) 21:29, August 20, 2014 (UTC)

It would certainly be a bit more difficult at an older age... the "old dog" cliche. :) We live in Pennsylvania, and we were fortunate to be able to enroll my stepdaughter in a pilot program here called ACAP (Adult Community Autism Program); it's run by the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare. It was set up to assist people just like you... check around to see if there's anything like ACAP available in your area. You can use the links here to get started; there are a bunch of nation-wide autism resources listed on the ACAP page, with links to their web sites. -- Renegade54 (talk) 19:27, August 21, 2014 (UTC)

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